The last thing anyone wants to hear when their world has fallen apart is ‘time heals’.  It serves very little purpose apart giving the third party something to say.  Let’s face it; you might be struggling to see one hour ahead let alone one year.  When I found myself separated again for the seventh time in 18years, part of me was even sorrier for myself because it had happened again.  I sat tissues in hand and sobbed.  I cried hardest than ever before.  I wept until my face was swollen, my body ached and I was exhausted.  I then realised that there was no-one to pick me up but me.  I acknowledged that I had very supportive sisters and a fantastic small network of friends who cared.  But I also realised that many of them too had been through my break ups with me as well as their own.  I was the only one to get me back on my feet. 

I realised that analysing the split and going over the wreckage wasn’t helping me move forward.  I was miserable, moody, and mardy.  I was missing out on good times with my children, offers of going out with friends, and the chance to be on my own and do the things I really wanted to do.  So I took the bull by the horns and tried to do as many things as possible that made me feel good.  This was a coping mechanism I had learnt from suffering depression.  Things just started to pick up.  I found myself a great job, I lost weight, I went to the cinema, I read some great books, and I revamped my wardrobe and appearance.  I treated myself to little things.  I spent whole afternoons immersed in my favourite books. I went out whenever I could.  This made a massive difference and gave me confidence to deal with all the hard parts of a break up.

Seeing the ex was a nightmare.  Very often my ex’s would go to the same pub as me and as happens over the years, a lot of my friends were their friends too.  For a while what I wanted most in the world was for people to take sides; I wanted some sympathy and for friends to realise that my ex was a pig and I was better off without them.  If you want that to happen – forget it.  You can’t make people choose.  It’s an awful place to be.  Let your friends decide for themselves, who they want to stay in touch with.  Find out which ones you can trust and which ones report back.  Don’t be drawn into playing games and feeding information that you want to get back to your ex.  If they try to tell you what’s going on in the other camp, politely but firmly say you’re not interested.  It won’t help you heal.  Even worse is if you try to make your children choose – don’t even go there.  After a bitter divorce, my Mum tried to ‘put me off’ my Dad.  My Mum and I battled over this and eventually I saw through her manipulations and lost a lot of respect for her.  My Dad was a good man who just made a bad job of things.  It might make you feel better in the here and now, but you run the risk of ruining the relationship with your children as well.  Let them find out for themselves that your ex is a no good person if that is truly the case.  Obviously you protect them in case of violence or abuse; you cannot let them learn that for themselves.

After a few months of wallowing in self pity life started to feel good again.  The pockets of loneliness and sadness started to be outweighed by pockets of happiness and joy.  I didn’t have to put up with bad habits, excessive behaviour or feeling like I wasn’t good enough.  I was sleeping well, eating well and really starting to see the joy my life could contain.  Keeping contact with an ex was cut down to a bare minimum.  If I had to make arrangements regarding the children, I kept this very businesslike.  I didn’t enquire as to what was going on in the ex’s life, who he had seen, what had he been up to. That was now none of my business.  I just asked where he was taking the children, what they would be doing, and exactly what time would he be back with them.  Didn’t need to know anything else.

 Years on, my friends and family say things like ‘best thing you could have done, splitting with him’, ‘amazed you stuck with it for as long as you did’.  Something I say to myself occasionally is ‘I am so glad I found the courage to make it on my own’.  The satisfaction of surviving a split is immeasurable and I am truly thankful. 

This article is for information purposes only and not intended to constitute professional advice as circumstances will vary from person to person.  Belinda King t/a Beta Relationships makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information in this article and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use.